Clenched teeth and clenched eyes; burning rising in my chest. Breathing slowly. Knowing that if that first tear falls then it’s all over. Pinching inside my arm trying to will it stop, but this time, the pain is almost unbearable.
I’ve been a master of jarring emotions like preserves in the summer, but lately, I’ve been sloppy. Forgetting to tighten lids, placing jars on the edge… I’m just running out of room. I can only talk about this in pretty words and metaphors because I’m too afraid to face the truth of it all.
Washing dishes only to throw the sponge because you can feel it rising, again. Leaning over the sink, grinding your teeth and trying to will it back down. Telling yourself that you’ll deal with it tomorrow but tomorrow becomes tomorrow all over again. Blinking back tears, pressing your head deep into pillows and holding your breath.
Forcing smiles hoping they distract from eyes that are hiding pain.
Quietly passing time hoping that maybe it’ll get easier.
Knowing that facing the truth means facing fears.
Maybe one day I’ll let myself cry without trying to stop it.
Maybe one day I’ll let myself cry without rushing to wipe tears before they even escape my eyes.
She's ByePoleHer 