Posts Tagged ‘crying’

Tears Burn

{ January 21, 2014 @ 2:24 pm } · { Uncategorized }
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Clenched teeth and clenched eyes; burning rising in my chest. Breathing slowly. Knowing that if that first tear falls then it’s all over. Pinching inside my arm trying to will it stop, but this time, the pain is almost unbearable.

I’ve been a master of jarring emotions like preserves in the summer, but lately, I’ve been sloppy. Forgetting to tighten lids, placing jars on the edge… I’m just running out of room. I can only talk about this in pretty words and metaphors because I’m too afraid to face the truth of it all.

Washing dishes only to throw the sponge because you can feel it rising, again. Leaning over the sink, grinding your teeth and trying to will it back down. Telling yourself that you’ll deal with it tomorrow but tomorrow becomes tomorrow all over again. Blinking back tears, pressing your head deep into pillows and holding your breath.

Forcing smiles hoping they distract from eyes that are hiding pain.

Quietly passing time hoping that maybe it’ll get easier.

Knowing that facing the truth means facing fears.

Maybe one day I’ll let myself cry without trying to stop it.

Maybe one day I’ll let myself cry without rushing to wipe tears before they even escape my eyes.

Subway Syndrome (Letter 6)

{ January 14, 2011 @ 5:45 pm } · { Uncategorized }
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Dear Stranger,

In New York there’s this unwritten understanding that you’re supposed to be a douche. You see a stranger, you keep it moving. When you get on the subway or an elevator, you’re supposed to mean mug. You’re supposed to maintain your gangster, whatever that means.

I’m from Long Island. I’m from suburbia. Crackertown, USA. I was raised to smile and greet people. I’m now living in Brooklyn. I’m just a little suburban girl trying to fit in.

I feel proud of myself now that I’m hopping on subways and making my way around, by myself might I add. I was on the subway a couple of weeks ago and I saw you. You were gorgeous. Small frame and delicate hands. Strong eyebrows and sad eyes. Thick, dark hair.  Beautiful lips curved into a frown. We were in a subway car full of people, so wrapped up in their own worlds. I’m guilty of this too. But I saw you. And I wanted to know why you were crying. I wanted to know why you were sad. I wanted to know what happened. But New York code says; mind your business.

I stared at you for over ten stops just hoping that you would look up and see friendly eyes longing to comfort you. I tried to telepathically tell you that you’re not alone, I hope it worked. I didn’t want to be the creepy person just approaching you, but you looked like you so badly needed a hug.

I sat across from you and thought so many things that I wish I could have told you. I’m not sure why your tears and sadness affected me so, but they did. I wanted to hug you and you tell you to keep your head up. I wanted to let you know that though it may not seem like it, it will get better. I wanted to offer you a tissue. But New York code says; keep to yourself.

I’m not sure who you are or where you are now, but I hope that things are beginning to look up. I hope those gorgeous brown eyes are sparkling with happiness and not with tears. I hope that you’re face is glowing and your full of smiles. I hope your days have gotten better.

I’m not sure who you are or where you are now, but I want you to know I saw you. And even though you felt alone in those moments, you weren’t. I was with you. And I wish you the best.

 

-Me

 

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