She's ByePoleHer

Dear Bro,

 It’s funny; people are always surprised when they find out that I’m not an only child. They always say the same thing, “Oh, you never mention him.” And they’re right. I don’t. Though I’m not an only child, I’ve had to live the latter 2/3 of my life as if I am one. I often wonder if that bothers you as much as it bothers me.

I remember that we were close when we were younger. I wanted to be just like you. I wanted your clothes, I wanted your toys, and I wanted your friends. Wherever my brother went, I wanted to go. Ma always tells me stories about when I was born and how excited you were when you found out that you were going to be an older brother. I smile and laugh, but it makes my heart ache. I have to wonder…when you lost that. When did you decide that you’d rather just live as an only child, as if you don’t have a sister?

I remember what happened with mommy. Vividly. Do you? Do you think about it? Do you have questions that you want answered? Did you wish that she would have gotten clean and rescued us, like I did?  How do you feel about it all? Does it still bother you today? Am I alone?

I always felt alone. You were taken in by your aunt and you got to live with all of these cousins, whom I can only assume became your new siblings. I was taken in by my nana. It was just me and her. I was always alone. I always wanted my brother back. I begged her to take you too. Do you remember how hysterical I was when they physically tossed me in the backseat of that car? Do you remember how hard I tried to fight to stay with you? Do you have any idea how badly I just wanted to stay with my brother? I cried until I was literally ill. There was no consoling me. I lost my mother and my brother within a few hours of each other. I never got either of you back.

I am able to see that I clung to mommy. I wanted to get her back so badly. I figured, if mommy was okay then she would get me and you and we would be a family again. I was delusional for a long time. But I never left her side. You vanished. I know how hard it must be, both of your parents were in and out of the picture at their whim, focused on their own bullshit and not on you. I kinda get that. We shared Ma mutually. I got stuck with my father, and you know how that went. It’s just interesting to me how we both dealt with what happened. I try to be understanding. I know people cope and deal differently. But I didn’t do anything wrong. And I feel like you’re punishing me too. What did I do?  Why do I have to lose my brother, too?

We BOTH went through this. We shared this experience. There’s no reason why I had to go through all these years with no one to talk to about it. There’s no reason why I had to bottle all of the hurt, confusion, frustrations, etc. in through all of these years. I try; I try so hard to just keep in mind people cope differently. I will never love you any less. I will always be proud to call you my brother. I just…Why did you abandon me too?

I try to keep in mind everyone is entitled to their own process. I try. But now that I’m allowing myself to ask these questions and feel these feelings. It hurts me. It bothers me. It angers me.

I have a brother. Why doesn’t it feel like it?

I love you,

Sis